Dear Dexter…

This is your Momma…

Six years ago today you went straight from my tummy to the arms of Jesus. I have been trying so hard to think of a way to honour your life this week. Some way to show my love and to keep your memory alive. So this is what I have come up with. A very public letter. To me… the more I say your name and acknowledge your life the more you are alive to others as well. After all you didn’t just exist in my heart… ❤ You existed! You were alive. Just as alive as Izabelle is today. As much as this crazy world tries to tell me otherwise… living to only 19 weeks does not make your life any less important than anyone else’s. You were designed by the same Creator that I or anyone else was!

My little Pumpernickel, I won’t lie… I miss you and have so many wishes…

I wish I could have seen you take your first steps… to hear your first giggle… to watch you grow into a strapping young man… even to just know the colour of your eyes and the colour of your hair. I grieve not what I lost… but what I never got the chance to know.

In some respects you are a complete mystery to me. As I watch Izzy grow up and more and more of her personality come out, it highlights the fact that (for now) who you are is a mystery. To me, you are a big beautiful shiny wrapped present… but I will never fully know what is inside that gift… all the little nuances of who you are… until I reach heaven someday. And  I have to say… what a joyous day that will be! You have made Heaven so real for me.

Don’t get me wrong… I love my life… I know that I too have a plan and a purpose… and until God calls me home I will do my best to live this life to the best of my ability… but I also look forward to the day when I get to embrace you… my Son. My first born. For now, I will be satisfied with joyfully imagining you and everything God has made you to be.

As selfish as I am in ‘wishing’ you were here… I also know that you got to skip this crazy roller coaster of life… full of up and downs. It’s pretty amazing to think that you’ve never had a scraped knee, or a cold. You will never experience heart ache or loss of life. You have never cried or gone hungry. You are living in a Perfect Place! For that I will always be thankful. God is so good and I am so thankful that you went right from the safe haven of my womb to the loving arms of your Creator.

I will also always be so thankful to have been chosen to be your mother. As much as I ache when I think of holding you in my arms, I am always filled with thanksgiving as well. I am thankful to have been chosen to be your mom. I am thankful to God for giving me both my desired Boy and Girl. He completed my family when He created you and your sister… but your special place Dex was that you made me a Mother. There was no going back after that. You changed my heart forever, and your very existence made me ready for Izzy and all the excitement that her entrance into this world was going to bring. As much as I miss you I want you to know that you are a source of Joy in my life. Everyday I thank God for you. ❤ Knowing you are in Heaven with my grandparents and waiting for my arrival brings me such a picture of Joy and more Peace than you will ever know.

I Love You Dexter Pumpernickel Erikson… ❤

Here is me… your mother… sending your name yet again into cyberspace to publicly declare your existence & importance. I may have to wait to fully open my gift of you… but I love that gift no less than anything here on earth.

Love Always & Forever,

Your Momma ❤